Gotta sing, gotta dance, gotta watch (April 17 edition)
04/17/07 10:10 PM
By ED BARK
They seem to be running just a bit scared now, even though Sanjaya Malakar already has shown that withering criticism can't beat him down or drive him away.
After playing nice for the past two weeks, two of the three American Idol judges again tore into the skinny-voiced kid with the ever-morphing headdresses.
"Utterly horrendous," proclaimed Simon Cowell after Sanjaya aggravated him with an animated rendition of Bonnie Raitt's "Let's Give 'Em Somethin' to Talk About."
Colleague Randy Jackson, nothing if not unoriginal at this point, threw out Simon's shopworn "karaoke" putdown while Paula Abdul said he at least still looked cute.
Host Ryan Seacrest then sprung to Sanjaya's defense before Simon sneered, "Who rattled your cage?"
Furthermore, "I liked him last week, Big Mouth," the acidic Brit added after Ryan wondered what it would take for Sanjaya to catch a break.
Oh, it was good theater of the absurd all right, which is why the country's most-watched TV attraction will have him to kick around for at least another week or two. Not Ryan but Sanjaya, who before his performance was asked to name a song and the Idol judge he'd like to hear sing it.
R.E.M.'s "Shiny, Happy People" would be a good one for Simon "so he can show his true personality," Sanjaya faux ad libbed. The kid's got moxie.
Comparatively boring contestants Chris Richardson and/or Phil Stacey are almost certain to go before Sanjaya does. After that come the cold sweats.
If Sanjaya then somehow cracks the Final Four, he will have displaced a clearly superior singer. And America will be well on its way toward punking Idol and sticking it with the equivalent of Pauly Shore doing Shakespeare in the Park. Sanjaya winning American Idol? Simon would sooner take a sitz bath with Ron Jeremy.
Tuesday night's other Big Top, ABC's Dancing with the Stars, ended with the rightful vote-off of former pro basketball star Clyde "The Glide" Drexler, whose will to win clearly left the building weeks ago. His Monday night walk-through was "like a rumba under an anesthetic," huffed judge Bruno Tonioli.
Surprisingly, though, plucky "charity campaigner" Heather Mills joined Clyde in the weekly Bottom Two, her first such flirtation with eviction.
She had fallen at the end of a Monday night samba after her artificial left leg gave way on live TV. Still, the judges gave her higher scores than several two-legged competitors, including Clyde, lumbering Billy Ray Cyrus and the guy who used to be on Cheers.
Oh Uncle Barky, your sequined Liberace brand PJs are starting to chafe at this late hour. You love the dance too much, and you're still smitten with the fact that your four long-predicted finalists -- Laila Ali, Joey Fatone, Apolo Ohno and Ian Ziering -- are all still in the hunt. So flit away now and don't come back 'til next week.
Ok, but not before leaving you with the considered wisdom of judge Len Goodman, who said that Billy Ray and pro partner Karina Smirnoff danced the rumba "like a couple having a little hanky panky in the back of a Chevy."
Ball's in your court, Simon. Top that.
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