A post-football NBC faces new Sunday realities
01/05/07 02:32 PM
By ED BARK
Football's gone, leaving NBC's Sunday lineup in need of an extreme makeover for the second half of the 2006-'07 TV season. The night's hairs apparent are two guys who spend lots of time in the salon -- Billy Bush and Donald Trump.
The exceptionally annoying Bush (from the syndicated Access Hollywood) hosts Grease: You're the One That I Want, which gets a 90-minute premiere from 7 to 8:30 p.m. central time.
Then comes an egomaniac who needs no further introduction. NBC's sixth edition of Trump's The Apprentice shucks New York for Los Angeles in hopes of reviving interest in this flagging enterprise. It also gets a 90-minute startup (8:30 to 10 p.m.).
You're the One isn't one to resist comparisons to American Idol. It slavishly copies the Fox juggernaut in virtually every way imaginable. Let us count the ways: Three judges, one of them a sharp-tongued Britisher named David Ian. Auditions in select cities, beginning with Los Angeles and Chicago. Really bad auditioners, allowing the judges to cringe and crack wise. Eventual live voting from viewers, who will pick the next Danny and Sandy for a new Broadway production. And a host who might as well be Ryan Seacrest and no doubt wishes he was.
Bush certainly isn't self-effacing, though. He refers to himself as a "handsome devil" in Sunday's opener. Later he tells a hopeful named Vincent, "I have great hair. You have great hair. We're the great hair buddies right here."
The host can be a bridge over troubled teardrops, too, particularly when the sobbing discard is a cute would-be Sandy named Fawn. Rejected by the judges, she's embraced backstage by smarmin' Billy.
"This one I don't agree with," he tells her. "It's tough. This one is for you. That's for you. Oh my God."
What he does is hand her a tissue touched by him. Then Bush grandly implores the judges to give this piece a second chance. Which they do after ludicrously dramatic music makes it seem as though they're deciding the fate of the western world. Which come to think of it . . .
Actually, this makes One That I Want different in at least one respect from Idol. Imagine what Simon Cowell might have said if his judgment were questioned by a mere host. It might go something like this: "Get out of my sight, you silly little twit, and go change your panties while you're at it."
OK, let's not be too harsh. Actually, let's.
Two particularly obese hopefuls, one of whom moonlights as a "tap-dancing cupcake," are passed through the singing round into the dancing round. It's a transparently phony effort to show that the judges will consider more than good looks and physiques in casting Sandy. Then both of the women are shot down as being "not right" for the part. This dashes their dreams to be one of 50 contestants sent to "Grease Academy" for further schooling. Frankly, they never had even a ghost of a chance in the first place. Still, the show isn't above using the two for comic relief before giving them the old heave-ho. When you get right down to it, that's just not a very nice tradeoff, even for all that TV exposure.
The big-screen's original Sandy, Olivia Newton-John, makes a few brief appearances to essentially say nothing. Bush's co-host, Denise Van Outen, doesn't have much to do either. Nor does the city of Chicago. It gets maybe one-third the screen time of Los Angeles, where the talent is deemed much stronger.
After several weeks of this, the top 12 contestants from Grease Academy will begin performing on live shows, starting Jan. 28. That's when the American public will start winnowing the field, provided the American public cares enough to do so.
The return of The Apprentice, which the American public once cared very much about, gives Trump at least one last round of bragging rights. He's first seen on a rainy day in Manhattan, supposedly talking to his latest wife and their baby son on the telephone as he heads West to join them.
"I'm Donald Trump, and I have properties all over the place," he says with typical humility. Then he's quickly behind the wheel of a convertible while proclaiming, "I love L.A. What's not to love about great weather and an economy that's worth almost $600 billion dollars?"
His reunion with spouse Melania and baby Baron is less than teary-eyed. Big Don doesn't even touch the kid, whom Melania cradles in her arms while the nanny gets a few seconds off.
Trump has 18 supplicants this time. It's the usual crowd of self-important ass-kissers, led by a Bronx contracting company CEO named Frank. This means that Trump again has the genius to cast someone who's even more obnoxious than he is.
His boardroom now is absent helpmates Carolyn Kepcher and George Ross, who have been supplanted by Trump's daughter, Ivanka. She looks just like the old man and seems to have the same imperious ways about her. The Donald did good.
A car wash competition separates the first winning team from the losers, who have to sleep in tents until redeeming themselves. So it's a blend of Survivor and The Apprentice from the creator of both series, Mark Burnett. Or as one of the losers puts it, "The sinks don't drain. This does feel like Third World."
An exceedingly long and contentious boardroom segment finally cuts one of them loose. But not before Trump can observe, "Martin's a bit of a pompous ass."
Of course he should know. But The Apprentice still has its entertaining moments, with even Trump an easier swallow than shallow Billy Bush.
Grades: Grease: You're the One That I Want -- D+; The Apprentice -- C+
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